I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalms 139:14-15 NIV
This is a story about a girl who went through hell and back before she realized who she was...
This little girl grew up in a predominately white neighbourhood and city and only knew a few black people that she attended church with as well as the couple that attended the same school as her. This little girl had a joy in her that seeped through her pores every time she laughed and smiled but, unfortunately, her joy was always overshadowed by the world around her - the unrest in her home, the images on television and the criticism at school. What made matters worse was that she didn't really feel pretty or feel good about herself.
At school, she was made fun of and felt different because of her hair, skin colour and the size of her lips. At home, although she was loved, the love was tainted with anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and selfishness. She was never told she was pretty or valued or worthy. And maybe it was because her parents didn't know they were valued or worthy... Either way, Jesus loved her, this she knew, but love to her was conditional and ugly, and didn't look like anything that was described in the bible or at church.
As time went on and she grew, she became excited about her future, but she was confused. She didn't know where and how she fit in. She had big dreams, she wanted to do good for others and she wanted to make a difference. But as she got older, life became more and more confusing. She had so much love inside of her but felt she had no one to give it to. No one to share it with. No one to trust. What was worse is that sometimes she felt like a stranger in her own world, like she didn't even belong in her own skin. She wanted to be accepted. She wanted trust. She wanted to love.
Her childhood wasn't all bad though. There were definitely some very positive, memorable moments such as family trips, school accomplishments, sports accomplishments etc. Unfortunately though, what tends to happen in life is that we are shaped by our negative moments as oppose to our positive moments.
At the beginning of high school, the little girl who had become an adolescent, moved to a city that was much more diverse and had a lot more black people. Although the move initially devastated her, she definitely fit in a lot better in the new city. But it was overwhelming and she didn't know how to handle the positive attention as she was coming from a place where she either got negative or no attention, especially from the boys. Boys were attracted to her, friends were easy to make and within the first week of school, she was apart of the 'in' crowd. But that didn't make her 'ugly girl complex' disappear. In fact, it seemed to make it worse because she felt that she would be willing to do almost to avoid feeling like an outcast again. And though she was 'enjoying' her new found acceptance, she was still struggling with defining herself, love and trust.
As an added bonus, upon their move, her family started attending a church with a larger congregation and more black people. Needless to say, the girl became very involved in the church choir and youth groups. It felt like another family and they represented the closet thing to the love that she had bottled up inside of her.
At one of the church events, she met a young man (a few years old than her), and they became very close. Their spirits seem to connect on a familiar level: their need for love. As the years went on and the girl made the transition from a teen to a young woman, she continued to struggle with her identity and compromised her value and values by fornicating, doing drugs, drinking alcohol excessively and taking risks. Although life seemed grand, she was dying inside because she knew deep down that she was better than what she had become.
She remained active in the church and was ultimately living a double life. She continued to date the young man she met at church but was never able to get her need for love met because she was always meeting his need, hoping that one day it would be reciprocated. But it never was. So she continued to try to fill her void with the drugs and alcohol and eventually occasional dating outside of the relationship. As the relationship with the young man seemed to be running its course, she became pregnant and the relationship subsequently came to an end after almost 4 yrs.
The young lady was in her last year of high school by now and tried her hardest to hide the pregnancy from everyone as she knew she had gone to far this time and would now have to pay for her poor choices. Her parents eventually found out and voiced their grave disappointment and suggested alternatives for how she should deal with her 'mistake'. And though she was not happy with herself, she could not accept the alternatives because she knew her pregnancy was not a mistake... because God doesn't make mistakes. Especially a nine month mistake.
So, she had been rejected by her boyfriend, rejected by her family, and worse still, she was rejected by the church. Once the church caught wind of the pregnancy, she was kicked out of the choir because they were concerned about how it would look. She was also left out of most of the church events to protect their image. Love and trust had taken an ugly turn again.
When she needed her families the most, they reinforced her guilt and shame. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness began to grow in her and her self-worth, perception of the world and her idea of love was at its worse and she had no one to turn to. Even her 'friends' judged her and made her feel stupid. She felt like she had really messed up.
Eventually, the 'sting' of the pregnancy wore off and she brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. But she couldn't love her the way she wanted to because life had taught her that love was judgmental, selfish, self-righteous and conditional. She felt that her daughter deserved better - a better mother, a better life, a better future. So, she tried to make that happen. And she found out that when you try to do things your way instead or God's way, it's always harder.
So, the young lady got into University the following year as the beginning of her plan to get things back on track. But with all the baggage, hurt and pain she had taken on over the years, she quickly fell back into her familiar pattern of drugs, alcohol and looking for love in all the wrong places and faces. Consequently, mid-way through her second year, she became pregnant again.
She was devastated. All of her feelings of shame, guilt, rejection, stupidity and self-hate came flooding back. All the voices from her family, friends and church members that made her feel ostracized and rejected played over and over and over in her head. She couldn't do it again, she couldn't live through it again. Having one child was hard enough, who would want her with two? What will people think? How would she make it? What about school?
With tears pouring down her cheek, bawling, as she sat in the stall of a washroom down the hall from her afternoon lecture (with her best friend holding her in her arms), she made the hardest and most regretted decision she has ever had to make. She decided to have an abortion.
The next couple years were like a blur to her as her soul fell further and further into an abyss. The last time she had been to church was 5 years ago when her daughter was Christened in the back room of the church because the church could not be accepting of a life, its destiny and purpose, regardless of its conception. Apparently, their image had to be protected and they had forgotten Who gives life. To her, the church had become a government ruled by policy and religion as oppose as a hospital that tended to the broken and wounded.
But thank God that he didn't give up on this young lady. After another year of anger and bitterness, she got fed up with her endless fall and was eventually able to start the road of forgiveness and healing. It wasn't easy, but she returned to church, determined to live for God and not people and rededicated her life to God. As she got more involved in the church and attended more regularly, she met her husband.
And as she continues to sift through and dispel her tainted perceptions of love and trust, she has finally come to a place in her life where she knows the love that has been hibernating in her for as long as she can remember - God's Love. Because of that love and His love that flows through her husband, she has found herself, in His Image.
And now I know who I AM.
Be Blessed IN TELLING YOUR STORY.
